So much of life feels like a roller coaster. One day can be so “up” where everything seems to be going right and then the next day can be “down” where everything comes with a challenge. In fact, most days feel up and down and forward and backward and sometimes they even have upside down loops thrown in there! I don’t know if it’s because I have kids or what, but I’ve been feeling the roller coaster ride more than ever recently. My kids have the ability to bring me incredible joy one minute and then ultimate frustration the next. That is the joy of parenting though, right. I have to learn to enjoy the roller coaster of raising toddlers, having girls who are stubborn and have strong opinions, and in the midst of it all I have to hold on to the moments that feel “up” where I can’t stop smiling and laughing. This roller coaster ride will not go on forever, but I do have this moment. So, I choose to put my hands up and take the ride (though at times I may scream or close my eyes) because it’s a beautiful roller coaster.
May
30
2011
Unknown
This post kind of stems from my last post on stress…but I think I’ve finally figured out why I have been so stressed out. Right now everything in our lives is unknown.
- We don’t know when our house will sell in Portland
- We don’t know when we will be moving to Santa Cruz
- We don’t know when our house in Moorpark will sell (and when we can finally move on from that)
- We don’t know when we will be able to move into our own place in Santa Cruz
- We don’t know where I will be working once we move
This is the state of our lives….all unknown. It is hard for me to relax without answers. That does not fit into my organized life. I cannot plan, I cannot organize…I can only wait for the unknowns to become known. It is hard.
May
28
2011
Stress
Stress…it is an awful thing. I don’t know anyone that enjoys stress and yet we often put ourselves into stressful situations. I have come to understand that stress is a part of life – that doesn’t mean I like it though.
I feel like the last two weeks have been incredibly stressful on our family. There have been multiple times that I begin to formulate a blog post in my head and yet when I sit down to write nothing comes out. Stress seems to overwhelm all aspects of life when you are under it and it becomes impossible to clearly think through anything.
Our family has made the decision to move. We want to be closer to family, but the other reason is that we want to simplify our lives. We want to eliminate some of the stresses in our lives. We need this. We desperately need this. We want to focus on raising our daughters. We want to add to our family. We want to adventure. We want to see more of this world. We want to show our children what it means to serve, to help, to love. We want to connect deeply with others. We have so many goals for our family and often those goal are lost in the stress of life. It’s time to take more deep breathes, to hear the waves crash, to hear laughter more often.
May
20
2011
Portland
Portland has been so many wonderful things to me over the past 3 years. This place will always be so special to me for a number of reasons.
First, I believe Portland is the place my marriage got figured out. No, I do not have the perfect marriage and I would never claim that…but in the last 3 years Jim and I have gone through our share of challenges as a couple and we have come through it much stronger. I can only hope that some of the larger hurdles in our married life were jumped over during our time in Portland and that this place will always signify the decision we have made to continuously work on our marriage together.
Second, Portland is the town in which I feel my faith has been developed the most. I went through a hard church experience here and while it left me very hurt it also brought me great comfort in knowing that my faith is alive and well and not reliant on church or people in the church. I have come to see that “church” means being in community with different people not only traditionally religious people. I have come to understand that I am more challenged by those outside of the church than those sitting comfortably in churches talking and not doing. While my experience and beliefs may rub some people the wrong way – it has brought me great freedom to be able to truly love God and worship God. (I only hope that one day I can adequately express how much I was really hurt so that the church does not continue to treat people as my family was treated).
Third, Portland has been the place where I have accepted my role as a mother. Before I was a mom I was a teacher and even after I became a mom to my oldest daughter I taught. After my second daughter was born I made the decision to stay home and work in other areas of education that required less hours. But this was not an easy transition for me. I remember sitting with my counselor one day and he asked me what situation in my life I feel the most confidence in. Without hesitation I said teaching. I love to teach. I feel confident and comfortable teaching. I do not always feel confident as a mother and I often feel like I am not doing a great job. And yet, I knew I wanted to be a mom that was present in raising her children. It took me awhile to accept not being in the classroom, but while in Portland I came to understand that I will go back to teaching and that I am still a teacher. I will always be a teacher – that is my career. I am just lucky enough to get to take a break while my kids are young.
Portland has been such a wonderful place and I will truly miss it. Portland will always be the place in which my marriage got on track, the place in which my faith became my own and the place in which I loved being a mom. Thank you Portland for 3 incredible years.
May
13
2011
Moving Again
Recently our family made the decision to make another big move. 3 years ago Jim and I both knew we had to get out of where we were living. We needed to go somewhere new, somewhere unfamiliar, somewhere neither of us had been – we had to do it together. And it has been an incredibly wonderful 3 years and I would not trade it for anything. But it has been hard.
In the last 3 years we have added to our family, we have changed jobs, we have made and lost friends, we have lost family members, we have experienced great joy and great sorrow and we have done it all without our families around us. And it is time for that to change.
I miss my family. I miss my mom and dad. I love when my mom comes to visit or Jim’s mom comes to visit because my daughters absolutely light up. They cannot get enough. To give my girls the gift of more time with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins – that is the best gift we can give them. And to give our families more time with our daughters – well, who wouldn’t want that…my kids are pretty awesome!
There are a number of things that led to our decision to pack up our family and move back to California, but to a new town. A town I have not lived in for 11 years now. A town that is familiar to me, but has changed greatly. But my parents are there and Jim’s are about 2 hours away. It just makes sense. We get to be closer to family and to us we realized that not making this move didn’t make sense.
It is not easy. We love Portland. It truly is the best city to raise a family in (at least in my opinion). We love our friends here. We love our home. We love the church we are a part of and the youth group there. But I miss my family. And so…we are now waiting. We wait for someone to buy our house here in Portland so that we can move to Santa Cruz. We pray it happens quickly so we can move this summer. We believe this is the right decision and we trust that while it is hard, we will see the benefit of making the tough choice.
May
6
2011
Witnessing an Accident
Tonight I made one of those parenting decisions that leaves you wondering if it was the right thing hours later. We went out to dinner and while eating there was an accident outside of the window. A person was crossing the street (which is a very busy street) and was hit by a car. While we did not see the person get hit the restaurant became focused on the person laying in the street. People responded to help the person hit, to direct traffic, to call for help, to calm the nerves of those involved. We stayed at our table, but it was very apparent to everyone in the restaurant that something serious was going on outside. Amalea came to sit on Jim’s lap and was obviously very concerned about what was going on. Amalea asks a lot of questions and at this time her questions were all about what was going on. What happened to the person? Were they ok? Why was everyone looking out the window?
I made the decision to take Amalea to see what was going on. As we looked out the window Amalea and I talked about how we can respond to accidents and emergencies. We talked about helping people when they get hurt. We talked about strangers coming together to help someone in need. We talked about firefighters and paramedics and how they help and are trained to respond to accidents and injuries. Most of all we talked about helping and why that is so important.
So, the question is whether or not I should have taken her to look out the window? She was obviously upset while sitting at our table (away from the window) and my hope was that by taking her to look out the window she would see that the person was ok and that people were working together to help.
Tonight while going to bed Amalea came out of her room crying. She said she was really sad that someone got hurt and kept asking if the person was ok. Her concern was sincere and it absolutely broke my heart. And so now as I sit in bed with her asleep next to me I wonder if witnessing an accident was too much for her little 3 year old heart.
May
4
2011
ISFJ
What is an ISFJ??
- Introvert – Attentive. Get energy internally. Prefer a few close friends rather than a wide circle. Large social situations take a lot of energy.
- Sensing – Observant. More concrete than abstract. Details rather than big picture.
- Feeling – Friendly. Value personal considerations above objective criterion. Social implications more important than logic.
- Judging – Scheduled. Plan activities and make decisions early. Control through predictability.
As I read through analysis of ISFJ temperaments I can’t help but notice how accurately they describe me. While I am not one to quickly attach to a label, I do find reading about temperament to be oddly calming. It is as if reading about who I am is helping me to understand a lot of the uneasiness I have been experiencing lately.
I think this explanation sums it up well: “As an ISFJ your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.”
If you care to read more details, below you will find bullet points that I compiled from a few websites of things that I believe describe me well. Some of these are positive and some are not – but I do think they are all realistic.
- Primary interest is the safety and security of those they care about
- Families are the center of their lives
- Extraordinary sense of loyalty and responsibility
- Want to believe the best about people
- Shyness is often misjudged as stiffness or coldness
- Try to do everything themselves (notoriously bad at delegating)
- Frugality is a virtue
- Do not usually express own feelings, but keep them inside
And now my thoughts on each of these bullets!
- [Safety and security of others]…I am a worrier. If I fear that someone I love may not be safe then I panic. It’s not healthy and while it’s great that I care about those I love, I really do need to relax and not worry if someone is 10 minutes late!
- [Family is center]…I am a much better person because of my family. I value them more than anything and I need to show that more. My husband, my girls – they are everything.
- [Loyalty and Responsibility]…I will stick by people even when I have been walked all over. It’s just how I am. And if I feel responsible for something or someone I will do everything in my power to take care of that responsibility – even when I probably should not.
- [Believe the best]…This can go both ways. I believe everyone deserves a second chance. But I also have a hard time believing certain people would do the wrong thing because I just honestly think they are better than that.
- [Stiffness or coldness]…I get that a lot! People have often told me, after we’ve become friends, that they thought I was really cold at first. It takes me awhile to warm up and if we are in a large group I definitely come across as stiff or cold, but I am usually just uncomfortable.
- [Bad at delegating]…I do it at work and at home. I want help, but then I just want to do it myself. You can imagine how challenging this can be for my husband!!
- [Frugal]…Yep, it’s true. I am very tight with money, but my husband is helping push me to relax a little and give myself and our family the freedom to occasionally enjoy the money we work so hard for.
- [Keep feelings inside]…This one is so challenging for those around me and for me. It is obvious when I am upset, however it takes me time to be able to explain what I am feeling. Often times I and just cranky, but cannot give an explanation even though I want to talk through it – I just can’t. Thankfully I married a patient man.
Ok, so for most of you that was probably very boring and if you are still reading this then you are my husband or one of my dear friends. But this blog is more for me than anyone else anyway. It’s where I process through things – such as my temperament. It’s where I learn to articulate myself and attempt to (hopefully) break down some of that stiffness I too often show to others.
May
2
2011
Inspired by the Reactions
I don’t know why, but all day today I have just felt like I want to cry. I feel overwhelmed and stressed and it’s not about my to-do list. I feel overwhelmed by the various responses and reactions I have read regarding the death of Osama Bin Laden. It’s not even that though. What overwhelms me the most is the variety of ways in which people respond and the subsequent tension that ensues.
I do not like tension. I like that people can think differently, but when it turns into an argument I shut down, I erase my comments on facebook, I retreat. I feel tense. I feel teary. I feel stressed. We disagree – as a people we obviously do not all like the same political leaders, we do not feel the same about justice, we come from different families, we have different friends…that is the beauty of this life…but for me, it is also the strain. It is our differences that cause tension and again, I do not like tension.
Since I was feeling so anxious and tense I began to ask myself why I always do this. Why does tension cause me to react this way? If I say I like our diversity of opinions the why do I freak out? I went online and did the Myers-Briggs temperament test because I wondered if this response I have is my temperament. Is this just who I am?
My temperament is ISFJ. Stay tuned for my next post on what that means and my response to it.
Mar
7
2011
Church
I recently began my return to church and this process has brought up so much emotion in me which I was not expecting. About a year ago our family decided to take a much needed break from church. We not only needed it as a family, but Jim and I both needed the break individually. After months of counseling and working hard on ourselves as individuals (and our marriage) we came to the conclusion that we desperately needed this break from church.
Looking back now at that decision I can honestly say it was the best thing for me and for our family, but it has been a very hard year. I often don’t know how to blog about this experience as I want to protect others involved and at the same time this experience has greatly shaped the way I view church and Christians. Unfortunately, my experience of leaving church was not a good one. It involved some intensely hurtful words, backs being turned, the loss of friendships I held dear and most of it all it broke down the positive image I had in my head of community and turned it into a negative, hurtful thing.
While my relationship with God has grown in the last year, I realize I still have intense hurt from the leaving process our family went through. I don’t know what to do with that hurt and I am learning how to process it. I am writer. It is how I process what I feel and yet this is one of those situations in which words aren’t expressing the array of emotions I have.
For a long time I thought I was looking for an apology from those that hurt us the most, but now I realize that is not important. I am beginning to see all the positive things that God has brought out of such an upsetting situation. I am learning to look beyond the feeling of betrayal and to find comfort in the arms of my family.
Of course as I begin my return to church I find myself defensive and even cynical. I don’t want to be that way. I want to be hopeful that this church community, while not perfect, is one that I can identify with and connect to. So, here is to having hope and looking forward with a confident perspective. Here’s to looking beyond the hurt and seeing the good – in others, in hurtful experiences, and in church.
Mar
1
2011
Value of Time
Jim’s birthday is this month and while talking with his mother on the phone she asked what he wanted for his birthday. After thinking for a moment he asked his mom how much money she would spend on him (an odd question I though until I realized where he was going with it). When she gave him an amount he told his mom he wanted her to put that money aside and use it towards a plane ticket to come visit our family. In the end the best gift one can give is time.
About a year ago Jim was working a full time job downtown. One day he came to me and said he wanted things to change because he couldn’t stand that he didn’t have more time with our girls. So, he began a freelance web design business and while he is very busy, he does have more time to spend with his daughters. Jim understands that this time in their lives is so special and being at work all day everyday meant he wasn’t involved in the daily things that are so valuable and priceless.
The day to day life that Jim and I lead is very busy and full. Often times we pass one another in the hallway as one of us arrives home from work and the other is leaving. We have made a commitment to be home raising our daughters, but we also have bills to pay. This means we work 5 part time jobs between the two of us while ensuring that one of us is always with the girls. We have had to learn to balance a lot while also making sure we are taken care of as individuals and as a couple.
But what we have learned, and what I think my husband understands so well is that time is the best gift and that time passes so quickly. Time as a family, time with grandparents, time going on adventures…these are times that create lasting memories and that means we need to do all we can to make sure the time together happens.
I love you Jim and I love our family and the wonderful time we have together.
