I recently began my return to church and this process has brought up so much emotion in me which I was not expecting. About a year ago our family decided to take a much needed break from church. We not only needed it as a family, but Jim and I both needed the break individually. After months of counseling and working hard on ourselves as individuals (and our marriage) we came to the conclusion that we desperately needed this break from church.
Looking back now at that decision I can honestly say it was the best thing for me and for our family, but it has been a very hard year. I often don’t know how to blog about this experience as I want to protect others involved and at the same time this experience has greatly shaped the way I view church and Christians. Unfortunately, my experience of leaving church was not a good one. It involved some intensely hurtful words, backs being turned, the loss of friendships I held dear and most of it all it broke down the positive image I had in my head of community and turned it into a negative, hurtful thing.
While my relationship with God has grown in the last year, I realize I still have intense hurt from the leaving process our family went through. I don’t know what to do with that hurt and I am learning how to process it. I am writer. It is how I process what I feel and yet this is one of those situations in which words aren’t expressing the array of emotions I have.
For a long time I thought I was looking for an apology from those that hurt us the most, but now I realize that is not important. I am beginning to see all the positive things that God has brought out of such an upsetting situation. I am learning to look beyond the feeling of betrayal and to find comfort in the arms of my family.
Of course as I begin my return to church I find myself defensive and even cynical. I don’t want to be that way. I want to be hopeful that this church community, while not perfect, is one that I can identify with and connect to. So, here is to having hope and looking forward with a confident perspective. Here’s to looking beyond the hurt and seeing the good – in others, in hurtful experiences, and in church.
