I got to share a bit of my marriage journey the other night over coffee with girlfriends and it got me thinking.  Marriage is amazing, but marriage is hard.  I think anyone who has been in any long term relationship (married or not) would agree with me.  When we fall in love and decide to make a commitment to another person I don’t think we really know what we are getting into.  But, I don’t necessarily think that is a bad thing – I just don’t think we realize how much work is ahead of us.  The falling in love stage is so exciting and so blissful and it’s hard to imagine life with that person being anything but pure joy.

I recently read this article that got my thinking even more about marriage and how to make it last.

My marriage is not perfect.  We have been through our fair shares of highs and lows, we have been to counseling, we have questioned whether or not we really wanted to stay together – whether it was all worth it. We have been hurt by each other, we have yelled, we have cried…but through it all we have fought for our love.  Even through our darkest period (about a year after moving to Portland) we stayed in it and we sought help – because in the end, giving up and ending it was not what we wanted.  Our marriage was full of love, but we had lost sight of that and had forgotten how to communicate.  I was distant, I was uninvolved, I was hard to talk to (some of my closest friends have experienced this with me as well – I have a lot to learn about communicating!!).  Jim was questioning whether or not this was the life he had dreamed for himself.  All I am saying, is that when I am honest, I have not lived in a state of total bliss through my 7.5 years of marriage.

BUT I love my husband and he loves me.  I know that without a doubt.  While we have had challenges, and have challenges and will have challenges – I have an amazing partner to journey through this life with.  We have created 3 beautiful daughters (the third isn’t quite here yet…but I already know she is beautiful).  And we have created them out of love for each other.  I have a husband who works hard to provide for us, but knows when to stop work and be with his family.  He makes time every single day to show his daughters how wonderful they are and he makes time every day to make me feel beautiful and loved.  While we do not make a lot of money, we spend a lot of time together…we have made a commitment to this.  It can be hard at times – to want to travel somewhere or purchase something – but I wouldn’t trade the time we spend together.  I have a husband who truly wants to be the best father and husband that he can and he makes that a priority.

I love Jim and he is worth fighting for – our marriage is worth fighting for.  At times giving up seems easier, but it’s not.  I don’t see how that would be worth it.  I have a lot to learn about being the best wife I can, but I truly want to learn.  Because I love Jim and he is worth the time and effort.  I don’t really know why I am even writing this blog, but marriage has been on my mind lately.  It’s a beautiful journey, a joyful journey and while it certainly has challenges – it is worth every bit of fight that I have.

*As a P.S. note – I am only speaking about my marriage here – I will not claim to know what is right for any other couple.  Marriage is a very personal relationship and only the two people in it can decide what is best.

Our first photo together – before we were dating (though my friends claim it was already obvious at this point that we had a thing for each other)

A recent photo of our family

I don’t know how I ended up here.  By “here” I mean on my blog.  It’s been something like 7 months since I’ve signed on here and I didn’t plan to start blogging again.  And yet…here I am.

I guess I must have something to say – though I am not sure what it is yet.  Regardless of the reason, I think something inside of me wants to blog again.  For me there is a freedom is writing, a release, a spewing of my thoughts and while my thoughts may mean little to most people I know they are important.  They are my thoughts, they represent me – the person I am and the person I am hoping to become.  That alone makes them important, even if nobody else reads them – my thoughts matter. I matter.

So…I begin the journey of thinking, processing those thoughts, and sharing those thoughts.  I believe with everything in me that healing takes place when we make the time to process life.  Apparently, I am in need of healing.  Aren’t we all though.  I mean, who really has all their shit together.  We fake it to appear that we do, but we don’t.  We wonder about our choices, we struggle with our relationships, we wonder where God is when we hurt.  That is the truth.  The truth is raw and vulnerable and sometimes it can get ugly.  And that is exactly where I shut down. I don’t like things to be ugly. I like peace, I like warm fuzzies.  But living in reality means it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to hurt, it’s ok to disagree – but do so in love.  Disagreements freak me out…I don’t like arguing – but I also want to believe people can think differently from one another without it getting ugly.  I like to think I can do that.  We shall see.

I leave my rambling welcome back to the blogging world with this – I am here for a reason, an unclear reason, but a reason nonetheless.  I will attempt to discover that reason in the midst of raising two daughters, preparing to welcome a third daughter very soon, becoming a stay-at-home mom, attempting to make friends in a new town, and being a wife.  I invite you to listen in to my journey and I welcome comments – even arguments – because I invite you to show me that arguing is ok. I invite you to be honest and vulnerable along with me.  Thank you for welcoming me back blogging world.

The current state of my existence

For me, one of the exciting things about our move from Portland to Santa Cruz was the chance to simplify our lives.  It’s funny though, because that was one of the reasons we left Southern California for Portland.  But, I think that in this current move we really have gotten to embrace simplicity. In this move, we haven’t really had a choice.  Our home in Santa Cruz is about half the size of our home in Portland.  We were lucky to be able to buy a wonderful home in Portland that our family could grow into.  While, the house felt almost too big for us at times the thought of having teenagers in that home seemed so wonderful.  It would have been a great home for when our kids were older.

Alas, we chose to move (not an original plan of ours, but life throws you curves sometimes) and in doing so we have moved into a smaller home.  And I LOVE IT.  This odd thing has happened and I don’t really understand it, but I feel like it has allowed me to loosen up a little. Especially regarding toys.  I feel less stressed about there being toys strewn around the house and I feel less overwhelmed with getting the toys cleaned up at the end of the day. You would think it would be the other way around – that with more space you would relax more.  But, for some reason it has been that with less space I let things go more easily.  Call me crazy!

Maybe it’s just that I am getting older (30 next month!!) and that is forcing me to relax or maybe it is a combination of all the changes in our lives…but whatever it is….it feels really good.  Maybe in some weird way it’s because I finally feel at home.  Maybe it’s that my family is so close and so supportive and that truly calms me.  I don’t know what it is – maybe it is all of those things.

Our home is full….we really cannot fit anything else in here.  But the downsize and selling of someone of our stuff felt really good. When life is simplified it feels easier to breathe.  I won’t say that just moving to smaller home has gotten us to simplify…I think, at least for me, it is being in this place.  This is home to me.  I feel at home.  I feel comfortable.  I feel at ease. Yes, I want to make friends and fall into some type of routine, but for now I am allowing the joy of simplicity lead to successful living.

I’ve been meaning to blog for awhile now, but the last month has left me feeling utterly exhausted at the end of each day.  On top of being tired, I feel like there is so much on my mind that I don’t even know how to organize all I am thinking and feeling.  So, for those of you who read and would like an update, please accept my  bullet point update on life below:

• Leaving Portland was of course a very bittersweet feeling.  I was so sad to leave people I love, but at the same time it really felt like the right thing.  Packing up a 2000 square foot home was certainly a ton of work, and the morning we drove away I was so thrilled to just be done with packing and cleaning!
• At the time that we were packing and getting ready to go a friend of ours, who we just think is so wonderful, began his round 2 fight with cancer.  Round 2 was not supposed to happen – well, I mean round 1 wasn’t supposed to either…but you figure someone fights cancer with everything they have and they should not have to deal with it again. And yet, he is in the midst of a huge fight once again.  It is so hard to watch a family alter their entire world to take on this kind of fight.  And, it is even harder to do it from a distance – feeling like you can’t do any practical things to help.
• We arrived in Santa Cruz to a house that looked nothing like the house we had worked on one month prior.  My dad and my brother and my mom worked so hard to get our house ready for us.  It needed a lot of work as the last tenants left it in pretty awful condition.  But, we arrived to a home with all new floors and paint and some other really exciting changes that we love.  My dad worked his ass off for us and we are so grateful.
• Having my parents living next door has been awesome.  I mean, this could easily go either way…really wonderful to have the help, or really obnoxious that they are so close.  So far it’s been great to have my mom’s help and it has allowed Jim and I to jump back into work and to get unpacked quickly!  I am so so thankful for my mom and dad.
• I don’t know how to describe what I feel about being in Santa Cruz. I never really thought I would move back here…and even before moving I was a little nervous.  But, I love it.  I can’t really identify what it is I love so much just yet, but overall it just feels really right to me.  Like this is exactly where our family needs to be.
• We moved into a house a little less than half the size of our last home and I love it.  Sure, it’s tight with all our stuff in here, but it feels so great.  I like one bathroom and the funky kitchen and having everything we need so close together.
• I started work pretty quickly after moving and that has been good, but also hard.  I am the kind of person who likes working, but at moments I really miss the summer and being able to be with the girls all day. Part of that also is that my job doesn’t necessarily have a set schedule so things pop up last minute that I have to take care of.  It also means I sometimes work at weird hours.  And, since I am new to this position there is a lot I have to do just to get organized and prepared for the spur of the moment things that happen.  I have had to jump into work while still unpacking and trying to get life in a new town figured out.

I realize this post isn’t too exciting…and I apologize.  But this is what my life has been for the past month.  There are deeper feelings and thoughts tied into each of these bullet points, but I feel so tired that even expressing those deeper things has been hard.  I know I’ll get back into some type of routine (hopefully soon -  I love routines and plans!!!) and hopefully then I’ll take more time to blog.  Until then, thanks for checking in with me!

so helpless in the darkness
no way out
no way to make it stop

life so wasted in the darkness
no smiles left to give
no laughter to hear

a pit with no ladder out
a simple answer
but no way to the solution

the pressure never lets up
crushing hard on your chest
tears welling inside

oh to find hope again
to have it so close
and yet not be able to obtain it

No, this is not my review on the Rob Bell book Love Wins (though I read it and liked it if you are wondering) – this is my take on love and why I believe it can win.

It’s been an odd few weeks for me.  I’ve been feeling “blue” about a few different things and that means I haven’t felt much like talking or writing.  I find myself putting the girls to bed and then curling up with a book and many of those nights I have even ended in tears.  Why am I so blue?  Some of it is what’s going on in my life and the stress of all my unknowns, which to be perfectly honest, I haven’t been handling so well.  But a lot of what I am feeling has to do with friends.  I am watching as friends marriages fall apart and this breaks my heart.  I see people I love unhappy, people I love being walked out on, people I love growing apart – and all of this reminds me how hard life can be and how hard love can be.

But in the midst of all of this I still believe that love wins.  Maybe it’s because in my own marriage when things had the potential of falling apart they did not and instead my husband and I fought to find our love again.  Maybe it’s because I believe that God loves every single person and that his love is powerful enough to bring hope. Whatever the reason, I can’t put aside that love, real love, love worth fighting for, is a beautiful thing.  Love allows us to forgive, to bring hope, to give grace, to smile when we don’t feel like it, to call others out on their failures, to listen when it hurts, to compromise, to look in the mirror when we just want to point fingers.

For those of you out there questioning the love you have for someone or the love someone has for you my heart breaks for you.  I want to hug you and hold your hand as you grieve. For those of you who no longer believe in love – please don’t give up hope.  For those of you who have found the one you love – fight and keep fighting and damn it do not walk out and do not cheat.  And for those of you who have been walked out on and cheated on – you are beautiful and strong and you will love again, because love can win.  Keep hoping.

Finally, for the one my heart loves – thank you.  Thank for you for always being there for me, for fighting for us, for making decisions that put our love first.  Our daughters have the best daddy around and I have the best partner in the world.  You make me better and because of you I truly believe that love does win.  I will love you forever.