For me, one of the exciting things about our move from Portland to Santa Cruz was the chance to simplify our lives.  It’s funny though, because that was one of the reasons we left Southern California for Portland.  But, I think that in this current move we really have gotten to embrace simplicity. In this move, we haven’t really had a choice.  Our home in Santa Cruz is about half the size of our home in Portland.  We were lucky to be able to buy a wonderful home in Portland that our family could grow into.  While, the house felt almost too big for us at times the thought of having teenagers in that home seemed so wonderful.  It would have been a great home for when our kids were older.

Alas, we chose to move (not an original plan of ours, but life throws you curves sometimes) and in doing so we have moved into a smaller home.  And I LOVE IT.  This odd thing has happened and I don’t really understand it, but I feel like it has allowed me to loosen up a little. Especially regarding toys.  I feel less stressed about there being toys strewn around the house and I feel less overwhelmed with getting the toys cleaned up at the end of the day. You would think it would be the other way around – that with more space you would relax more.  But, for some reason it has been that with less space I let things go more easily.  Call me crazy!

Maybe it’s just that I am getting older (30 next month!!) and that is forcing me to relax or maybe it is a combination of all the changes in our lives…but whatever it is….it feels really good.  Maybe in some weird way it’s because I finally feel at home.  Maybe it’s that my family is so close and so supportive and that truly calms me.  I don’t know what it is – maybe it is all of those things.

Our home is full….we really cannot fit anything else in here.  But the downsize and selling of someone of our stuff felt really good. When life is simplified it feels easier to breathe.  I won’t say that just moving to smaller home has gotten us to simplify…I think, at least for me, it is being in this place.  This is home to me.  I feel at home.  I feel comfortable.  I feel at ease. Yes, I want to make friends and fall into some type of routine, but for now I am allowing the joy of simplicity lead to successful living.

I’ve been meaning to blog for awhile now, but the last month has left me feeling utterly exhausted at the end of each day.  On top of being tired, I feel like there is so much on my mind that I don’t even know how to organize all I am thinking and feeling.  So, for those of you who read and would like an update, please accept my  bullet point update on life below:

• Leaving Portland was of course a very bittersweet feeling.  I was so sad to leave people I love, but at the same time it really felt like the right thing.  Packing up a 2000 square foot home was certainly a ton of work, and the morning we drove away I was so thrilled to just be done with packing and cleaning!
• At the time that we were packing and getting ready to go a friend of ours, who we just think is so wonderful, began his round 2 fight with cancer.  Round 2 was not supposed to happen – well, I mean round 1 wasn’t supposed to either…but you figure someone fights cancer with everything they have and they should not have to deal with it again. And yet, he is in the midst of a huge fight once again.  It is so hard to watch a family alter their entire world to take on this kind of fight.  And, it is even harder to do it from a distance – feeling like you can’t do any practical things to help.
• We arrived in Santa Cruz to a house that looked nothing like the house we had worked on one month prior.  My dad and my brother and my mom worked so hard to get our house ready for us.  It needed a lot of work as the last tenants left it in pretty awful condition.  But, we arrived to a home with all new floors and paint and some other really exciting changes that we love.  My dad worked his ass off for us and we are so grateful.
• Having my parents living next door has been awesome.  I mean, this could easily go either way…really wonderful to have the help, or really obnoxious that they are so close.  So far it’s been great to have my mom’s help and it has allowed Jim and I to jump back into work and to get unpacked quickly!  I am so so thankful for my mom and dad.
• I don’t know how to describe what I feel about being in Santa Cruz. I never really thought I would move back here…and even before moving I was a little nervous.  But, I love it.  I can’t really identify what it is I love so much just yet, but overall it just feels really right to me.  Like this is exactly where our family needs to be.
• We moved into a house a little less than half the size of our last home and I love it.  Sure, it’s tight with all our stuff in here, but it feels so great.  I like one bathroom and the funky kitchen and having everything we need so close together.
• I started work pretty quickly after moving and that has been good, but also hard.  I am the kind of person who likes working, but at moments I really miss the summer and being able to be with the girls all day. Part of that also is that my job doesn’t necessarily have a set schedule so things pop up last minute that I have to take care of.  It also means I sometimes work at weird hours.  And, since I am new to this position there is a lot I have to do just to get organized and prepared for the spur of the moment things that happen.  I have had to jump into work while still unpacking and trying to get life in a new town figured out.

I realize this post isn’t too exciting…and I apologize.  But this is what my life has been for the past month.  There are deeper feelings and thoughts tied into each of these bullet points, but I feel so tired that even expressing those deeper things has been hard.  I know I’ll get back into some type of routine (hopefully soon -  I love routines and plans!!!) and hopefully then I’ll take more time to blog.  Until then, thanks for checking in with me!

so helpless in the darkness
no way out
no way to make it stop

life so wasted in the darkness
no smiles left to give
no laughter to hear

a pit with no ladder out
a simple answer
but no way to the solution

the pressure never lets up
crushing hard on your chest
tears welling inside

oh to find hope again
to have it so close
and yet not be able to obtain it

No, this is not my review on the Rob Bell book Love Wins (though I read it and liked it if you are wondering) – this is my take on love and why I believe it can win.

It’s been an odd few weeks for me.  I’ve been feeling “blue” about a few different things and that means I haven’t felt much like talking or writing.  I find myself putting the girls to bed and then curling up with a book and many of those nights I have even ended in tears.  Why am I so blue?  Some of it is what’s going on in my life and the stress of all my unknowns, which to be perfectly honest, I haven’t been handling so well.  But a lot of what I am feeling has to do with friends.  I am watching as friends marriages fall apart and this breaks my heart.  I see people I love unhappy, people I love being walked out on, people I love growing apart – and all of this reminds me how hard life can be and how hard love can be.

But in the midst of all of this I still believe that love wins.  Maybe it’s because in my own marriage when things had the potential of falling apart they did not and instead my husband and I fought to find our love again.  Maybe it’s because I believe that God loves every single person and that his love is powerful enough to bring hope. Whatever the reason, I can’t put aside that love, real love, love worth fighting for, is a beautiful thing.  Love allows us to forgive, to bring hope, to give grace, to smile when we don’t feel like it, to call others out on their failures, to listen when it hurts, to compromise, to look in the mirror when we just want to point fingers.

For those of you out there questioning the love you have for someone or the love someone has for you my heart breaks for you.  I want to hug you and hold your hand as you grieve. For those of you who no longer believe in love – please don’t give up hope.  For those of you who have found the one you love – fight and keep fighting and damn it do not walk out and do not cheat.  And for those of you who have been walked out on and cheated on – you are beautiful and strong and you will love again, because love can win.  Keep hoping.

Finally, for the one my heart loves – thank you.  Thank for you for always being there for me, for fighting for us, for making decisions that put our love first.  Our daughters have the best daddy around and I have the best partner in the world.  You make me better and because of you I truly believe that love does win.  I will love you forever.

There are a number of things I will really miss about Portland, but I think the #1 thing is my neighborhood.  Don’t get me wrong, I will miss my friends, but I have learned how to manage long distance friendships over the years.  What I have not done before is lived in such a great neighborhood.  I am not only talking about my neighbors, who really are all very friendly and nice – but I literally am talking about the location and part of town we live in.

Portland is full of really great little neighborhoods and I think this city is laid out in such a great way.  But, what I love about my specific neighborhood, called Woodstock, is that I can walk everywhere I need to go.

• The library: it’s just a short walk to a public library and the libraries here are awesome. I can request what I want online and they send it to my local branch and I just walk on down and pick it up.
• The bank: it may sound silly, but considering we visit the bank often (the joy of being self employed) and having it so accessible is wonderful
• The grocery store: it’s an easy walk to Safeway and an easy bike ride to Trader Joes – that’s pretty much everything we need.  We also love New Seasons which I could probably bike to if I wanted, but otherwise it’s a quick drive.
• Restaurants: we have so many great restaurants we walk to, including really yummy Thai food and a Mexican cart with one of my all time favorite burritos.  Also, there is a pizza place with my favorite slice of pizza ever.
• Parks: within equal distance from our house are 3 parks! One of those parks includes a big community center with a great pool and other classes.  We walk to the park quite often in the summer.
• Preschool: the preschool that Amalea attended this year was walking distance and after our experience I truly believe it is one of the best preschools in all of Portland (of course I am bias)
• The post office and UPS store: I make a lot of copies and mail a lot of stuff for my work so I have grown to love the UPS store
• Farmers Market: AHHHHH – I am so excited that a farmers market is opening every Sunday (summer months) in our neighborhood.  You better believe I will be there opening day and every Sunday after that until we move! (http://woodstockmarketpdx.com/)

We don’t ride the bus, but if we did there is also a stop just 3 houses away from us!  Pretty convenient and we have a few neighbors who use it everyday.  One of our new neighbors who just moved in doesn’t even have a car.  To me that says a lot – because if you live in the right location you don’t need it…and, well…I think we have a pretty great location. It is going to be hard for my leave this neighborhood and I don’t think we’ll ever live anywhere as convenient.

For those of you thinking this is not a very sentimental post please understand that for me it is. When we bought our house I knew I wanted to be in this school district and walking distance to the Woodstock neighborhood.  It was important to me and I have loved every minute of our 2 years on this street, with these neighbors and in Woodstock.  I will miss it greatly.